Feeling a Bit Desperate

How do I feel right now? Are you sure you want to know? Well, I guess I could say I am loosing my mind, slowly but surely. It’s 3:00am, I should be asleep, I’m wide awake, feeling restless, confused, desperate and a little on the crazy side.

I don’t know why I’m writing about any of this, it could just be a sign of me loosing the little sanity I have left. I usually try my best to stay positive and only see the good things in life. You know, for every one bad thing in your life, you should try to find two good things, or something like that. . .

Well, today I feel different, today I felt the need to put my thoughts and my feeling in writing. Who knows, maybe I’m not the only wife loosing her mind. Maybe there is someone out there who can relate. Maybe this will help me or someone else figure things out, or maybe, it will just prove how crazy I really am.

I want to write about so many things but for now I will share only what I’m feeling today, I will tell you about how this came to be at a later time.

Everyone and everything is always before me. I am useless, I am worthless, I don’t matter to anyone. Today my family confirmed this to me for the last time. My children, I can forgive, they are young and they are still learning. My husband, I cannot.

He has always pushed me aside, I have always been last on his priority list. It hurts me so much to hear him say that he loves me and cares about me while his actions contradict his words 100%. I can’t bare this pain anymore. I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt, I’d like to think that I’m only being overly sensitive, but after ten years of the same pattern, same behavior and same abuse, I can no longer make excuses for him or continue to blame myself for it.

I will not tell myself, that this is what I deserve, not again. I’d like to believe that I am worth something, that I deserve better, that I’ve earned a little love and respect. I will not allow him to make me feel like I am less anymore. I will be strong, I will not put his needs and wants before me anymore, I will not put myself down only to please him and accommodate his needs and his beliefs.

I will not stay up late again crying, wishing that he actually loved me and appreciated me, wishing I didn’t exist and wishing I was “brave” enough to end it and kill myself. I will not wait for him to show me love, respect, compassion, sympathy, and friendship. I can not stand his conditional love anymore.

He has always put himself before me and our marriage, his writing is more important, his 70+ blog followers always come first and are always on his mind. It’s my fault for encouraging him to do what makes him happy. I love that he is happy and excited about his writing, but it is painful to be pushed away by it, rather than being included in his joy.

He can stay up till 1am writing and responding to all his “fans” and never complain about it even though he has to wake up at 5:30am to go to work. But if I am ever having a rough day or if we are ever having an issue with our relationship 10:30pm is too late for him to be talking to me and he will turn me away. He will sleep with out a care in the world even when he knows I am hurt. Even at 1am he will remember to let the dog out and set the alarm but he will not come say good night to me or ask me if I’m okay even when he knows things are not well.

I lay in bed for hours, hoping, wishing that he will come give me a hug and let me know that he cares and that he is there for me but instead he walks away carelessly, gets in bed and goes to sleep. Am I even on his mind? I try not to let it get to me but it always does.

I sacrifice SO much of myself to make my family happy to give them what they deserve, what they need and what they want. I don’t ask for anything in return other than friendship and love. I must suck at being a mother and wife because to them this seems like too much to ask. I’m obviously doing something very wrong.

Something needs to change, I am afraid of what may happen to me in the future if I choose to let things stay this way. I lean more towards suicide everyday, and even though I know it’s wrong, and it’s not normal, I cannot help but want that. With each passing day, the idea of killing myself seem less scary and more possible. I think eventually, I will be brave enough to do it, or should I say dumb enough to do it.

To be perfectly honest, death sounds great, the only things keeping me from doing it is the thought of my mom having to suffer for my choice and my children growing up without their mother and possibly resenting me for ever. At least I’d like to believe that my children would miss me.

If not for my mother’s unconditional love and my children, I have no doubt in my heart that I would have ended my life years ago.

My husband is the #1 reason I am unhappy, If he was the only person in my life, I would not still be alive. It sounds rough, I know.

Looking back to when we were first married, even then, I was always last, his porn always came first just like his writing, he loved to stay up late.  If we had a fight and I left for a few hours, he would run straight to the computer while I was gone, ignore me and my phone calls and fantasize about other women instead. It got to the point where he would do it to hurt me. and it did, it scarred me forever. Not so much the fact the he was looking at porn, that I can live with,  but the fact that there was always something more important to him than me, especially something so insignificant and in a way, degrading.

I know, I sounds like I’m being overly dramatic, but this really is my life. I try to please him, I believe I am sweet, loving, patient, caring, supportive, encouraging, and forgiving. I believe I am a good wife, not a perfect wife, but a good one, I put forth my best effort everyday. I try my best to always push my feelings aside as much as humanly possible, I try to avoid conflicts as much as possible, but my heart cannot take it anymore.

I know this may be wrong but I am desperate! I see only three options. 1: Kill myself 2: Divorce 3: Stay and live a shitty life with an emotionally abusive husband. It seem like an obvious choice to choose divorce, killing myself is extreme, staying married would suck, it’d be like throwing my life away and divorce, well, divorce would suck too. My kids would be devastated, a lot of people would be disappointed, and it would be a very hard transition.

I’d like to think that somewhere in there, there is room for me to be happy. For me to be with someone who will love me as much as I love him, and love me unconditionally, someone who will mean what they say and prove it with actions, someone who will care about me and make me feel their love not just claim it. Someone I can really be happy with, someone who is not always thinking about himself, someone who will appreciate me and show me that they appreciate me, someone who will love me and touch me and mean to be with me not only for lust but for love too.

Sounds like a fairy tale, I know. I don’t want a perfect husband, I want an actual husband, by definition, not just by law. I want a husband who will get mad at me when I’m being stupid but wont abuse me and talk down to me, I want a husband who will care enough about me and our marriage that he will be willing to stay up and do what it take to make things right, just like he is willing to stay up to have a good time. I don’t want a careless, selfish, fare-weather husband. I want that someone, that husband to be the husband I have now, but we don’t always get what we want, do we.

There is a big void in my heart and in my life. I still don’t know what to do. There is no win-win in any of the three options, someone will get hurt. Option 1, I hope to overcome and avoid that route. Option 2, I hate to think about my kids being sad about that but I think I could be happy. Except it would be hard for a while and I would feel selfish doing that to my kids only for me to be happy or at least have the chance to be happy again someday. Hell, I don’t even know if that would make me happy, I know a lot of divorced people who are far from happy. And finally option 3, I think choosing option three will only push me closer to option one. Fuck!

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I think the title says it all, this blog will be about my life as a jerk's wife.